


Idk

by cmeiffel



Series: Stuff From My Insomniac Brain [3]
Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:34:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28427112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cmeiffel/pseuds/cmeiffel
Summary: I really don't know what this was.
Series: Stuff From My Insomniac Brain [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2070066
Comments: 2





	Idk

Have you ever felt empty? As though you're just a shell cursed to walk the earth till you eventually fade away. You blast music in your ears only to hear it echo through your hollow being. 

It hurts. That feeling. It hurts. Because it means you have no soul. You're numb to everything. But you don't feel physical pain. It's an aching feeling and you feel like there's a knife carving it's way through your heart. You feel like your lungs are being simultaneously squeezed so tight and stretched so far that you struggle to breathe. You feel your brain pulsing with every thought, throbbing with every movement, threatening to explode everytime you so much as blink.

That's how it hurts. 

People like me, we can't take that sort of pain. We know we're too weak. We have no choice but to inflict physical pain upon ourselves. Why? Because _that_ we can control. _That_ pain is the one thing that we can control. And most of the time, it doesn't hurt at all. Most of the time, it feels almost blissful. Wonderful, isn't it? Using pain to battle pain.

Others, those who are stronger, choose to bury any sort of emotion deep within themselves. They have the ' _out of sight, out of mind_ ' attitude. But the flaw of this is if your emotions are buried too deep, you lose sight of the truth. You start to think that whatever you're feeling is just your imagination, that it isn't real and it's something made up. When you start to think that way, then it'll be too late for you to turn back. You're done. It's all downhill from there. 

You're going to start to hate yourself even more because you think you're insane. You start to drag yourself deeper and deeper into the ocean of depression that resides in yourself. Then you give up and allow yourself to drown. Because you know you're too far gone. And you accept it as is. 

There's more than a million ways a person can kill themselves. Taking a blade to your skin, wrapping rope around your neck, swallowing pill after pill, tying a cinder block to your ankle and jumping into the sea, stepping off the roof of a skyscraper, walking into oncoming traffic. Some take time, and some, you're gone in an instant. Some make you curl up and scream and some are as painless as falling asleep.

It's interesting, suicide. The way people react to it. There are those who were able to go through with it and the rest of us get stopped by anxiety.

Those who are suicidal are damned to judgement. By this I mean that there are people who will resent them for even considering suicide. But, there are those who understand, and believe there are people in this world who can't take it.

I myself have contemplated and attempted suicide. There are times when I regret it, and there are times where I find myself wondering why I didn't just push my body to go a little further. Why I didn't take another handful of pills, why I didn't lean just a little more further off the roof.

I guess I knew that my time wasn't up yet, no matter how much I wanted it to be.

Anyways, like I said, I don't know what this is. I don't know what this was meant to be. I guess I just needed to get all this off my chest. It might not make much sense but it's what it is.


End file.
